I Can't Help Myself

I've been meaning to post about the first grieving process of my short marriage.  I suppose I will sum up the post I've had swimming around in my noggin by saying that the Army and nursing school are not compatible.  We will likely move in December, and then maybe again 12 months after that.

My dream accelerated BSN program appeared at St. Mary's here in Leavenworth.  I read about it.  I got excited about it.  I went to the open house for it.  I grilled the professors on the content and academic expectations.  I toured their classrooms and played with their simulation patients (dummies).  I fell in love with it.  I drove home that evening knowing that this program was meant for me.  But, as soon as I got home and began telling OaG about it, the words coming out of mouth sputtered slowly, as I processed the reality that I could never do it.  We'll move.  I'd have to apply to a 3rd program somewhere new.  I'd lose ground with transfers.  Nursing schools are just too dang structured and rigid for the Army's nomadic lifestyle.

It was a hard realization, and one that got me a little down for a couple weeks.  I finally made peace with putting it on hold till retirement is in the works, and we have a home base for the foreseeable future.

Since that point, I've changed my mind about 7659 times about jobs, education, etc.  I vacillate between wanting to dedicate myself to our home and family solely to wanting to work full-time while working on an online masters degree and every shade of grey between the two.  I've thought about different schools, different programs and different jobs.

Tonight, while OaG is hammering out his mid-term paper for his own official Army class, I perused yet another new line of interest.  Library Studies/ Archiving/ Museum Studies.

My favorite movies have always been those like Indiana Jones, National Treasure and the Dan Brown types that take some bookish historian or professor and give him a big adventure.  During my time on Capitol Hill, my most treasured moments were doing the research on the Capitol to guide constituents on their tours and taking deep breaths in the Jefferson Building of the Library of Congress (which is, FYI, the most gorgeous building in DC).  While living in Richmond, I bemoaned to myself frequently, that I lived equidistant from the Library of VA and the Historical Society of VA (1/4 mile) yet had no time to soak up their contents.  Torturous.

But, there aren't really jobs out there in that vein, right?  It was a nice dream for tonight, anyway.

On My Own

Tomorrow, OaG leaves for a week. He's going to a Civil War battlefield with his SAMS seminar to engulf themselves with the operations and troop movements of that occasion 150 years ago.

First I had this song pop into my head.

Then it was this one that echoes in the hollows of my mind.

The history buff in my is jealous. Did you know our first date was at Appomattox? Yep. We first laid eyes on each other where Grant and Lee met to negotiate the ending of hostilities. I would love to be in Vicksburg with all of them this week to learn more. I'd also love to visit my aunt who lives very close in Mississippi. I'd also love to not sleep without my soldier.

But, to be honest, chief among my reasons to not look forward to this week is being a single step mom for 5 days. I just don't feel ready to boot the teenagers off the computer when they aren't listening. I don't want to be the first one awake in the morning to make sure everyone is up for school (part of OaG's normal family routine, since he's up for PT) and the last one asleep, in order to make sure they are in bed for the next school day. I don't know how I will get everyone to track, t-ball, gymnastics, boy scouts and church activities. All-in-all, I'm not ready to be without a partner in this.