I Can't Help Myself

I've been meaning to post about the first grieving process of my short marriage.  I suppose I will sum up the post I've had swimming around in my noggin by saying that the Army and nursing school are not compatible.  We will likely move in December, and then maybe again 12 months after that.

My dream accelerated BSN program appeared at St. Mary's here in Leavenworth.  I read about it.  I got excited about it.  I went to the open house for it.  I grilled the professors on the content and academic expectations.  I toured their classrooms and played with their simulation patients (dummies).  I fell in love with it.  I drove home that evening knowing that this program was meant for me.  But, as soon as I got home and began telling OaG about it, the words coming out of mouth sputtered slowly, as I processed the reality that I could never do it.  We'll move.  I'd have to apply to a 3rd program somewhere new.  I'd lose ground with transfers.  Nursing schools are just too dang structured and rigid for the Army's nomadic lifestyle.

It was a hard realization, and one that got me a little down for a couple weeks.  I finally made peace with putting it on hold till retirement is in the works, and we have a home base for the foreseeable future.

Since that point, I've changed my mind about 7659 times about jobs, education, etc.  I vacillate between wanting to dedicate myself to our home and family solely to wanting to work full-time while working on an online masters degree and every shade of grey between the two.  I've thought about different schools, different programs and different jobs.

Tonight, while OaG is hammering out his mid-term paper for his own official Army class, I perused yet another new line of interest.  Library Studies/ Archiving/ Museum Studies.

My favorite movies have always been those like Indiana Jones, National Treasure and the Dan Brown types that take some bookish historian or professor and give him a big adventure.  During my time on Capitol Hill, my most treasured moments were doing the research on the Capitol to guide constituents on their tours and taking deep breaths in the Jefferson Building of the Library of Congress (which is, FYI, the most gorgeous building in DC).  While living in Richmond, I bemoaned to myself frequently, that I lived equidistant from the Library of VA and the Historical Society of VA (1/4 mile) yet had no time to soak up their contents.  Torturous.

But, there aren't really jobs out there in that vein, right?  It was a nice dream for tonight, anyway.

On My Own

Tomorrow, OaG leaves for a week. He's going to a Civil War battlefield with his SAMS seminar to engulf themselves with the operations and troop movements of that occasion 150 years ago.

First I had this song pop into my head.

Then it was this one that echoes in the hollows of my mind.

The history buff in my is jealous. Did you know our first date was at Appomattox? Yep. We first laid eyes on each other where Grant and Lee met to negotiate the ending of hostilities. I would love to be in Vicksburg with all of them this week to learn more. I'd also love to visit my aunt who lives very close in Mississippi. I'd also love to not sleep without my soldier.

But, to be honest, chief among my reasons to not look forward to this week is being a single step mom for 5 days. I just don't feel ready to boot the teenagers off the computer when they aren't listening. I don't want to be the first one awake in the morning to make sure everyone is up for school (part of OaG's normal family routine, since he's up for PT) and the last one asleep, in order to make sure they are in bed for the next school day. I don't know how I will get everyone to track, t-ball, gymnastics, boy scouts and church activities. All-in-all, I'm not ready to be without a partner in this.

Pitas - They're What's For Dinner

(My pitas - Not as great of a photo as the original authors, but very tasty)

On Sunday evening, we had guests to dinner and I made a Mediterranean spread of pitas, hummus and Moroccan chicken with quinoa. It was yummy. I'll share the recipe and pictures of the chicken later this week, but wanted to get the pita recipe out now.

I'm confident in my homemade tortillas, and I attempted Navajo fry bread a couple weeks ago. Pitas are similar. This was my first try at them. They were fantastic, but I can only credit the recipe I followed. You can find it here. And, in case you were wondering, I used my cast iron.

(My hummus: Still needs more tinkering and a gigantor food processor)

Wiped Clean

OaG and I were married in mid/late December. The original plan was to send the kids to their mom's for Christmas, as it's been a long time since they've seen her (OaG has full custody). But, about a month before the wedding, she called to say she wouldn't be taking them, which through a bit of a wrench into our honeymoon plans.

We spent a quick honeymoon at the before mentioned bed & breakfast and then at a beautiful hotel in Branson, MO. During this time, OaG's brother and sister very graciously stayed at the house and made sure the kids didn't leave it in ruins upon our return. But, then we came back to Fort Leavenworth and had Christmas with the family before OaG and I jetted to Anchorage, AK for my little sister's wedding.

Anywho, on that first day back from the honeymoon before Christmas, I was already deep in thought about it being my first real day as a step mom. THIS was the day I'd have not only a husband, but also little ones to be around me all day.

We started the day by going to the gym for a Crossfit workout. I suppose Crossfit will need a post of it's own at some point. During our time at the gym, I left my phone at the house. I figured it would be 30 minutes, and nothing could be so important that I'd need to tote it with me.

Upon returning, I climbed the 2 flights of stairs to our master bedroom and bathroom on the 3rd floor and retrieved my clothes before heading for a shower. I glanced at my phone on the bed (old habits die hard). It looked different. My home page screen shot, the photo I had taken last spring during the cherry blossom bloom around the tidal basin in DC was gone. In it's place was a hummingbird I hadn't seen since I purchased the phone. My apps were all gone. My pictures? Gone. Texts. Gone. Emails (email accounts even). Gone. Contacts. Gone. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Gone.

I fought back the hot tears that immediately flooded my eyes. What could have happened to my phone? Logically, it was one or both of the two youngest that caused something to happen, so I called them to the bedroom. After a discussion, I gathered enough of a confession to ascertain that they had wanted to play a game on my phone while we were gone and had exceeded the password attempts. Which meant that my phone had been wiped clean. To me, who has been so dependent on a smartphone for 5 years, it was like my life had been wiped clean.

Still fighting back tears, I went back down the stairs to my new refuge, OaG's arms. "Just hug me", I said. In my mind, I heard a little voice whisper, "Welcome to motherhood".

_______________________

Most of my pictures had already been emailed to myself or uploaded to Facebook, so that didn't bother me too much. Reinstalling my email accounts wasn't difficult. Most everything, at the end of the day, was not a big deal. But, one loss was particularly painful - my text history. Much of our courtship took place long distance, and OaG and I had some very special texts. I had planned to convert our text history, from our first date through the wedding, into a book for his birthday this summer. That dream died a very painful death on that first day of motherhood.

Suffice it to say, they are not allowed to touch my phone anymore.

The Parable of the Toothbrush

Our wedding day was fantastic. Aside from a personality clash with the chapel's wedding coordinator, which may be a post for another time, everything went off without a hitch. We began on time. The kids each performed their roles flawlessly. During our ring exchange, we spoke a few words to each other, and OaG's comments were something I will cherish forever.

At the reception, the cake was made just like I asked it to be. The beef and chicken were tasty. Mingling with friends and family was great. All in all, I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

When the reception had wound down, our friends loving decorated the car with white roses from the tables and we were off to our first honeymoon stop, a bed and breakfast in Weston, MO.

We arrived still dressed from the wedding; with me in my gown and veil and OaG in his Mess Dress complete with cavalry Stetson and spurs. The inn manager took us on a tour of the house, which was a little tricky with all that extra fabric I was carrying around on 19th century staircases. We saw the game room, the room where we'd be served breakfast the next morning and the refrigerator where our sparkling cider and romance platters would be when we chose to retrieve them.

And finally, we were left to ourselves in our well-adorned and ridiculously comfortable room. One of the first things we did was change out of the wedding attire and I attempted to get a brush through my hair as well as brush my teeth. Enter the dilemma.

I pulled out my toothbrush and immediately remembered that I had no toothpaste. My tube ran out in the couple days before the wedding and I had been sharing with my mom in our hotel room. I was hoping to just emerge from the bathroom and freshened up on my own, but had to humble myself enough to ask, "Hey, OaG? Can I borrow some toothpaste?"

This was, of course, not a problem. He gladly shared. Then he came in to brush his teeth. He discovered he had forgotten his toothbrush.

He looked over at me. I knew he had just shared with me, when I had forgotten something. It was a minor rescue of sorts from my own forgetfulness. But, a toothbrush is completely different from toothpaste. My mind was racing with all of my microbiology and principles of disease prevention my nursing education had equipped me with. I've never shared a toothbrush with anyone.

I couldn't leave him hanging, and I did, naturally, WANT him to brush his teeth. So, I acquiesced and shared my toothbrush.

It may seem like a non-issue to you, but it was a huge lesson to me. This was my new life. We were just a couple hours into our marriage, and already, I had been taught that partners have different resources and talents, and sometimes the ones that the other lacks. But, when you're together, two really is stronger than one. Not to get too Jerry McGuire on you, but we had completed each other. Sharing all of me is not something I had done, but it was something I now needed to do.

There you have it. The parable of the toothbrush. A good beginning to a marriage.

And, in case you're wondering, the sharing of my toothbrush was temporary while on the honeymoon. We're back to using our own.

It's Official!

I've now been an Army Wife and Step Mom for 36 days. I apologize for the hiatus, but we had to get through finals, moving, getting married, a honeymoon, Christmas, a trip to Alaska for my sister's wedding, 3 birthdays, the beginning of a new school semester and a little bit of unpacking and organizing. Phew! Are you as tired as me?

Luckily, I've made a list of posts I want to write. I'll begin on that tomorrow. For tonight... I begin another book, "Brave Companions" by David McCullough. OaG has MUCH reading to do with his final master's class and SAMS. I'm taking the opportunity to catch up with all of the books I've purchased and never read. Hooray!

Stained Glass at CGSC Bldg - Fort Leavenworth

It seems like yesterday, but it was actually more years ago than I care to admit that my beloved Freshman roommate took a stained glass class. She would be up into the wee hours of the morning chinking and saudering; cutting and arranging. It was intriguing to watch. Since then, every work of art in stained glass reminds me of her.

Where I was with OaG for Thanksgiving, we took a walk through the CGSC Bldg to look at their art and international gift collection. These were two of my favorite stained glass windows from the day.

The Civil War Scene. We liked that the McLean House at Appomattox was in the background. That was the site of our first date.

The tribute to the Army Wife. I may just use this in my blogger header when I redesign.

Suspense

Left you hanging, didn't I?

Since my part 2 is now conflicting with the words I'm writing for Rob during our wedding ceremony (and I want him to hear if from me rather than a blog first), you will have to wait.

(dodging the rotten tomatoes you are mentally throwing at me)

Why OaG? (Part 1)

Full Disclosure – I am finding there is ever increasing truth in the phenomenon of “wedding brain”. A professor of mine warned our entire nursing class about entering into any kind of relationship while in the program. It was good advice. I’m a focused student, but this semester has been much harder, as class difficulty, GPA expectations and amount of time needed to think about my future have all increased dramatically. Right at this moment, I am drafting this blog post while I avoid my 15 page paper about abdominal surgery adhesion and bowel obstruction risk. You would too, right?

And now, for the topic at hand. Childhood friends, college roommates, current classmates, family members and coworkers have asked some great questions during the course of my relationship with OaG. After getting past the initial ones like “When is the big day?”, “Where are you getting married?”, “You’re moving to…. KANSAS?!?!?” the most frequent question has been, “How did you know he was ‘the one’?”.

I think that’s a great question. And, it’s something that has been good for me to process. There are two separate sides to the answer. One is that of the spiritual confirmation (matters of the heart). The other, is that of the qualities of him and of our relationship (matters of the mind).

Falling in love with OaG wasn’t a singular event. He was the first to say the words, and it took me a little time to catch up. But, I can tell you the exact moment my heart softened toward him.

It wasn’t at our initial communication via eHarmony (I didn’t tell you that’s how we met, did I?). It wasn’t our first phone conversation. It wasn’t the first day we spent together walking the grounds of Appomattox Courthouse National Park. Nor was it when he called for a second date afterward. In fact, during all of those times, I viewed him simply as a chance to keep my dating skills from getting too rusty. Sure, I was happy to get out of the house, and I was glad to do a little civic duty by entertaining a visiting Army officer to our state. But, I wasn’t interested in anything more. He was from out-of-state, had been divorced and had full custody of his children – all complications I was really not looking to add to the peaceful and studious life I had recreated for myself following my father’s passing.

Like Sands through the Hourglass...

So are the days of my life.

Our wedding website has many handy features. It allows us to share the "Story of Us" and details about accommodations, times, etc. for the big day. One feature, that unfortunately comes with the template and is not alterable, is a countdown to our wedding day. 55 today, in case you wanted to know. This ever shrinking number on the home page of our wedding website is bittersweet.

The sweet is that I will marry a great man in that many days. I will live a life of "we" instead of "me". I will move. I will transfer schools. It is the official first day of an almost completely new life. It's the day from which point forward, I can fall asleep in OaG's arms, and that is something to look forward to.

The bitter part of the countdown is it serves as a painful reminder that I'm not always meeting my own high expectations. In my dream world, I would be exactly where I want to be in life on my wedding day. But, alas... despite a dizzying pace for the next 55 days, I will still come up short.

By going back to school at this time in life, it means I'll be a college student and a newlywed. I keep doing better on restoring my health, but I will likely not fit back into my goal pair of jeans by wedding day. I don't have the savings I'd like to at this age. Hmmm.... those might be the big three that occupy my mind.

Here's where I could use your comments. Where did/do you want to be in life when you got/get married? What goals were easier to achieve together than alone? How did your wedding day impact goals you had previously or did you develop new ones?

In Case you Love Someone who is Really Old

I'm working an overnight shift and dispensing random advice to any readers out there. This is coming from the position of working as a CNA for the last year and a half (this chapter cannot close fast enough) while going back to school to be a RN.

Most CNA work involves the very old. I've mostly worked with rehab patients who come to our facility for a short time for physical and occupational therapy. Many had hip or knee replacements. They do not need hospital care anymore, but they aren't ready to go home and function normally yet, so they spend some time with us. But, I've also worked on our long-term care floors (read: nursing home). In either case, 99% of the patients I work with are over the age of 85.

You may have a parent, grandparent, great-grandparent, aunt or uncle out there who is such a person. If you do, this unsolicited advice is for you:

1. If you buy them clothing, make sure it is knit fabric and very stretchy. It gets very hard to move limbs around and force them into rigid shirts and pants when they reach this stage of life.

2. They are always cold. If you are thinking of a gift, I suggest a sweater or throw blanket.

3. WRITE THEM LETTERS. If I could show you how proudly these folks display correspondence from loved ones on the wall and how eager they are to tell you all about the person who wrote it, you would have already sent your letter. They love to know they aren't forgotten and to still feel a part of the family.

4. If you are sending food, check first to see what kind of diet they are on. It's a bad idea to bring someone their old favorite box of chocolates if they are now diabetic, on a puree diet for swallowing difficulty and unable to consume this tempting treat.

5. If you can, visit. Talk to the staff. Make it obvious that your loved one has loved ones, and you are watching to make sure they are taken care of properly.

*Hold Music*

I've been pretty stressed and overwhelmed the last week or so. So, while I restrain myself from airing my stresses here, I bring you more pictures from last week's visit.


It's been established that pics of the kids are ok. I just need to come with aliases for them... Hmmm.... My dad called me and my sisters #1, #2 and #3. I think I will stick with that pattern. As an introduction to the family, there are four boys and a girl. That's right. #4 is the lone girl. She's a little more than excited to have someone teach her how to crochet. I'm glad I can help her in that regard in her house full of boys.

#3 on the go cart at the pumpkin patch

#3,4,5 on the little train at the pumpkin patch

#4 as a pumpkin

#4,5 helped me make chocolate chip cookies while OaG napped

#4,5 - crazy drivers!

#5 tames the wild tire horse

#5 at the JV football game. He has a thing for American Flags and wanted me to take a picture with my phone of every one he spotted. I convinced him to get in the frame with the flag here.

OaG explaining the finer points of braking in a go-cart to #4

Taking Care - The Key Story

When I bought my Rav4, it came with two sets of keys. One of them was lost during an exceptionally great fall day in exceptionally long grass in an apple orchard with Angela. We had hours of great conversation, several bags of fresh picked apples, a few pumpkins and then a lengthy wait sitting on a log while my sainted neighbors drove out to bring my spare set of keys (in DC traffic out 66 on a work day - get how sacrificial that was of them?). Since that day, about 6-7 years ago, I've been using my "spare" keys.

Some time in the last few weeks, my remote keyless entry died. It was a sad day. But, it had served me for several years, so I shouldn't have been suprised when it was just too tired to go on. I've always heard that those remotes were really expensive to replace, so I just resigned myself to the remainder of my life being spent using an actual key to unlock a car door. Revolutionary, right?

On last week's visit, though, OaG apparently noticed my plight. While we were in the PX, he sneakily waiting at the jewelry and battery counter and flipped what I didn't realize was the old battery of my remote to the sales associate. She promptly found a new one. And within a few minutes, my remote was magically working again. Oh happy day!

I'm very excited about the ease of entering and locking my vehicle again. But, I'm most touched by the way my sweet fiancee saw a need and got to work on it without making any fanfare. What a guy.

3 Hands

I am accustomed to keeping my hands busy. School, work, service, blogging, playing with my cat, Teddy.... I am even good at multitasking. When I am determined, you'd be hard pressed to find someone that can get more accomplished with their two hands.

But, on this past visit, I had a brief comical realization. We were walking at the pumpkin patch. My left hand was in OaG's right hand. My right hand was around the left hand of one of the kids. And... my low rise jeans needed to be pulled up just a smidgen. Oops! No hands available.

I may need a third one to succeed after the wedding.

A Visit

My university granted us a very short fall break last weekend, so I hit the great American freeway system and hightailed it over for a visit to OaG and the family.

The drive out on Thursday looked like this a great deal of the time (some combination of fog and/or construction barrels through all of western VA, WV and KY).

The fall colors were coming alive on base at Ft. Leavenworth, although it was unseasonably warm. We took in a couple of Leavenworth Pioneer football games...

... and spent a few hours at a farm/pumpkin patch/corn maze on Saturday.

I took more pictures, but they include the kids, and OaG and I haven't discussed the issue of pictures of the kids in this kind of public setting. So... maybe you'll see more... and maybe you won't ;-)

We made a little progress on the wedding during this time, too. Wedding bands are now ordered. The church has been walked-through. The reception space was scoped out.

All-in-all, it was a grand time. I really enjoyed spending the time with my hunky fiancee and
getting to know the kids a little better. I also got to meet more neighbors and friends from the school and church setting. I've always been blessed with fantastic friends through my life, and I feel like Ft. Leavenworth with continue that trend.

I will have one more visit out there, during Thanksgiving, before the wedding. That seems so far away, but I know how fast the time has been flying already. Wrapping up this semester and moving could take much, much longer anyway... I should be grateful for time.

By the way, is it just me, or did the new Facebook format just delete the way to import a blog as notes?

Gravity

I had a moment on my drive to campus. You know the kind of moment I'm talking about. It's the kind that *should* have dawned on you before, and it's like you already know it, but all of a sudden, you *really* know it.

I was waiting at a stop light and uncharacteristically flipped my radio dial from NPR to a music station. Pink's song, Perfect, was on. As she belted out the emotional chorus, I teared up.

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less
Less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're perfect to me.

I've always felt very strongly about validating and encouraging young women. Sentiments like this song resonate with me. But, along my drive, the gravity of having one young woman, in particular, that would become very suseptible to my influence really hit me. I will have a step daughter.

Several of the talks during this last weekend's General Conference carried messages that I know I needed to internalize. One of them that felt particularly relevant was actually spoken to fathers about raising girls. You can watch it here. I remember thinking it was great information and advice, and I felt a sense of peace knowing OaG was listening to it at the same time I was.

Earlier today, although I've known that getting married means becoming a stepmom, I *really* got it. Whew! Big responsibilities. I hope I can keep up my strength to help do whatever I can to aid in them growing up to be their very best selves and ready to conquer the world (or at lease do a whole lot of good in it).

The Decision

Today, I bring you a story about my engagement ring. Well, perhaps more of some musings on my engagement ring.

OaG did a stellar job picking my ring. It had been a long time since I had really thought about what kind of a ring I would want. And, even when I thought I did know what I wanted (which was actually a garnet), it turns out that I couldn't love anything more than the one that is on my finger.

It's simple. It's classic. And, it's a rock that, frankly, I didn't expect. I love my ring. What I've come to appreciate more about it, lately, is this: It is the symbol of a decision.

I had always planned and dreamed of being married someday. Like most girls, I facilitated many a nuptial of my Barbies and later on brainstormed accent color choices, cake flavors and play lists for receptions. My parents were a wonderful example to me of commitment and love. I guessed that I'd be married somewhere before the age of 21 (yikes!). When life turned out differently, it threw me for a loop. For a time, I really felt something missing. But, over the years, I grew very comfortable on my own. It's easier that way, I decided. It reminds me of a favorite C.S. Lewis quote:

It's taken some adjusting on my part to think, again, about truly sharing my life and all that I am with someone else. And, on those rough days, when the distance of most of VA and all of KY and MO between OaG and I seems like an ocean apart, I appreciate my ring as the symbol of making that decision to make a change. To work toward being more than I am on my own. To honor my faith, my family and myself. To embrace a future I didn't know was out there.

To Do

Let's see....

• Ceremony site - Check


• Reception site - Check


• Dress - Check


• Wedding Website - Almost


• Register - Work in Progress

Still on my mind...

• Flowers


• Cake


• Photos


• Budget


• Licence


• Social Security Change


• Finish applications to 3 different nursing schools


• Move


• Dr. Appt


• Homework, Homework, Homework

If you're married, what are the things you are SO glad you made time to get right, or wish you had done that you didn't?

The Weekend

I look forward to having a weekend again. For the last several years, my weekend consists of working straight through, because campaigns don't operate 5 days a week and now because I focus on classes during the week and catching up on work hours over the weekend. I dream of a day that my Saturdays are filled with freshening up the house and then fun time and my Sundays truly a day of rest.

This past weekend was especially trying for me. I worked overnight on Friday and Saturday nights. My body doesn't adjust well to switching up my sleep schedule, mostly because I can't sleep during the day. In addition to the weird hours, I've been fighting a cold. It isn't a terrible one. Just enough to make me feel weak and tired, and grumpy.

It got me wondering how in the world I would manage the same situation in my new life to come. Readers, what are your tricks for getting through hectic schedules and feeling under the weather and still be a present member of your family?

Barely Famous

OaG popped the question on 9/11/11 - The 10th anniversary of 9/11. It helped to make a new memory out of what has been a difficult day for me for the last ten years.

One of the experiences we had that day, out in Shanksville, happened to be while a journalist was talking to us. He wrote for the French News Service and his story carried us to readers in Canada, Qatar and the web. You can read it here (you'll have to excuse the misspelling of OaG's name). I tend to believe there was Providence at work to make this happen.

Here are a couple pictures from that day

One of the nooks in the memorial for momentos

The field where the plane went down - it will stay as is and accessible only by family members of the passengers and crew.

A few past writeups having to do with that day:

An edited account of my own experience that day (taken from my old blog)

Matt's account - (Shelly husband mentioned in my own account)